Sunday, January 30, 2011

Confessions.... Sometimes the problem is me.

I have been thinking a lot about my words for this year that I picked out. Do you remember?

This week has really shown that I am seriously lacking in the last two. Mike has been gone to school and the kids have been acting up, blah blah blah. By the end of the week when he came home I didn't even want to enjoy time with him I just wanted the chance to run away. Not that I don't absolutely head over heels love my husband, I was just at the end of my rope.
I don't like to complain and can't stand it when people just refuse to see the brighter side of things, and yet I found myself ho humming it all week long crying and moaning on Facebook and to my family about how horrible the kids were acting, how I could just not do anything with them, they never listen to me, etc etc etc.
Pretty depressing.
Add onto that the yelling and screaming and we all were not happy with Mommy this week. We had great times this past week I was just refusing to see them. Refusing to be positive. Refusing to be patient. By a not so simple chance Waldorf Connections was having a free listen-in seminar on discipline. I missed their first play during the week but was able to catch it on the replay this weekend.
And you know what I learned?
It's me.
My kids are mirrors of me.
They reflect the exact same responses that I give them.
Oh boy.
I also was reminded that no matter how smart I think my kids are I need to make sure and not expect too much of them emotionally. They don't need for me to rationalize why they should do the things I tell them to do, they don't need a 5 minute lecture on how "It's not nice to call someone a meanie when they don't give you what you want". They don't need for me to scream and yell at them to stop screaming and yelling at each other.
They need me to shut up and model for them how I want them to act. And model it again and again and again.
Because you know what?
You know what else that means?
I have to learn to model forgiveness in myself.
I messed up, and probably will again. This will be difficult.
But its important.
And just as I want my children to forgive themselves and move on, I must first model that behavior so that they know how.
The rest of the weekend has gone really nicely. Yes there has been the whining over getting dressed, and hair, and chores but when their poor attitude met with my willingness to accept that they are still in fact children and stand by them and guide them through the things I needed them to do, life was a lot better for everyone.
Its a hard thing to look at the way that your child may be misbehaving and see your actions shouting out at you. But when I stopped to listen and look and truly see, I learned what my children were trying to teach me.
Yes there are times where re-directing doesn't work. Yes there are times where my child will test the fence just to see if the boundary is still there. And yes there will be times when I feel as though I have no more strength to give.
But I will give it anyway.
I will draw that boundary again for them to see clearer.
And I will choose appropriately the work that our bodies seem to crave when we just can't seem to get on the right track and cooperate.

I will add all of this knowledge and stick it into my "Mommy Tool Box" so that we can all live together in the manner that we want, hope for, and dream of.

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