Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Finally releasing the fear.

The past few months I have spent a LOT of time in prayer and fear.
The moment we found out we were expecting feelings I thought I had long laid aside came rushing back.
For a while I wasn't even sure how to really be excited. Making it 13 weeks seemed like forever in terms of not knowing.
Which is why I really tried to hide it all. While Mike and I discussed constantly our possible need to let more people in on our secret, we also know that in terms of miscarriage bad news didn't seem to travel as fast as good news last time and as close as I was already to my "edge" I refused to go through all of that again. So for better or worse, we decided to just sit on it, whisper our fears in the dark and pray constantly that we would never have to revisit that again.
To be honest it made the whole process miserable.
Then we told the kids.

While I was still very much afraid that after telling the kids we would have to find a way to break bad news to them, the excitement that Jakob has had ever since has been intoxicating to say the least.
And then we heard THE most beautiful sound in the world.
Actually HEARING my child's life force gave me hope.
Leaving the midwife's office, she even noted that I was smiling a lot more.
"You can breathe now" is what I have to keep telling myself.
I never thought after all we worked towards to get pregnant that I would actually be paralyzed with fear by the one thing that I had wanted so much.
But its getting better. Each day is a victory, each excited announcement that my son makes, and each time he asks to look at the book to see how big the baby is NOW makes it easier.
Slowly but surely I am becoming less afraid and more excited.
We're going to have a baby!

Monday, January 2, 2012

"Mom, I want a better New Year"

This is what my son said to me New Year's Eve as we went around the table discussing our hopes and dreams for 2012.
Confused I asked what he meant. (all the while Mommy guilt rolling, Why wasn't this year great?)
"Mom, I just want us to not be so busy. We aren't as nice to each other when we are busy. I just want to slow down and be home."


It's amazing how God puts things in your path. I have been restless for a while over our schedules and errands. I have tried to put it all out of my mind justifying that, "It's for the kids, they are having fun, we can rest later."
Seems as though if I refuse to listen to my inner voice, He will make sure I am convicted by other means.
So yes, we want to make this year better. We want to make it slower, nicer, more enjoyable. We want to revel in the fun times we have, without having to rush, rush, rush to our next appointed event.
I definitely want to listen to the wise words of my child.
THAT will surely help me in my path to Peace I spoke of before.
With the promise of a new family member arriving we know that life will HAVE to slow down at some point, but we have made a pact to try and take a more deliberate pace even before the baby comes. Because I want us to be "nicer" to one another too.

What about you. Have you felt the urge to slow your pace? Do you feel as though there are things that need to be weeded out of your schedule so that everyone can actually have the time to enjoy one another?
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