The past few months I have spent a LOT of time in prayer and fear.
The moment we found out we were expecting feelings I thought I had long laid aside came rushing back.
For a while I wasn't even sure how to really be excited. Making it 13 weeks seemed like forever in terms of not knowing.
Which is why I really tried to hide it all. While Mike and I discussed constantly our possible need to let more people in on our secret, we also know that in terms of miscarriage bad news didn't seem to travel as fast as good news last time and as close as I was already to my "edge" I refused to go through all of that again. So for better or worse, we decided to just sit on it, whisper our fears in the dark and pray constantly that we would never have to revisit that again.
To be honest it made the whole process miserable.
Then we told the kids.
While I was still very much afraid that after telling the kids we would have to find a way to break bad news to them, the excitement that Jakob has had ever since has been intoxicating to say the least.
And then we heard THE most beautiful sound in the world.
Actually HEARING my child's life force gave me hope.
Leaving the midwife's office, she even noted that I was smiling a lot more.
"You can breathe now" is what I have to keep telling myself.
I never thought after all we worked towards to get pregnant that I would actually be paralyzed with fear by the one thing that I had wanted so much.
But its getting better. Each day is a victory, each excited announcement that my son makes, and each time he asks to look at the book to see how big the baby is NOW makes it easier.
Slowly but surely I am becoming less afraid and more excited.
We're going to have a baby!