Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Hello old friend...

Three weeks ago I did something I had been putting off for a while.
I rejoined the YMCA.
I wasn't really thrilled about the situation, spending money when I had access to free equipment at home and the base gym. 
What I didn't have access to was a sitter I could afford as much as I needed.
Or children who would let me work out... because getting up any earlier was not happening.
After spending an entire day being the only person that Hazel talked to I knew I had to bite the bullet.
If nothing else I needed a few moments from the constant chatterbox my six year old has suddenly turned into since her brother went on vacation.
The first day back though I knew it was the right decision.
Being able to get back to running, lifting listening to my music and not a Kids Bop version of today's tunes was just what the doctor ordered.
It even encouraged Hazel to get out of bed willingly and get herself ready to go.  Let me tell you this NEVER happens. We have had to change dance studios and Co-ops because the struggle to get this kid out of bed and somewhere on time in the morning just turns me into the "Yelling Mom".
But here we are out the door sometimes as early as 8 am with hair combed and teeth brushed and snack in hand.
So back in the gym I decided to finish my 10k trainer I had started back when I was prepping for the Newport 10 miler.
I love it!
And yes I am that annoying person who has to post every workout on Facebook.  I don't apologize for it.  I do it because I need the feed back from friends who will encourage me along.  I do it to prove to myself that I can accomplish this goal.  I do it to show my husband my commitment to making our lives as healthy and happy as I can.  And I do it to inspire others who see that if this girl can do it, maybe they can too.
But let me tell you....
An hour on the treadmill is killer! 
Like I got mad and said "Forget it!" today because I was tired and sore.  But I went back and walked it out and finished my 4.1 miles
I do think I will go back to my 5k trainer though and use it for a speed workout, just so I dont get bored and maybe just maybe the stars will align and I can go outside for long runs once a week and finish up the is 10k program.
Because next?  Next is obstacle training!!  YAY!!

Friday, June 7, 2013

I'm a Yeller

Ok so I have a confession to make.  
I Yell.
A Lot.
I come from a looooong line of yellers.  We are a loud group of people.
When you are yelling so loud that you can't hear what we are saying... We yell louder.
How else are you suppose to hear me right?
Problem is when you have kids and you yell and you see the hurt in their eyes or how they cower when your volume raises ......
because they are scared of you.
You  I frighten my kids.
I, the one who is suppose to be their ultimate earthly protector, frighten my children.
I don't like that about myself.  I can make all the excuses in the world about stress, lack of sleep, blah, blah, blah truth is I have gotten in a nasty habit of reaching for my yell before anything else.
Enter The Orange Rhino. 
Long story short, this mom is just like me and made a commitment to not yelling for a year and blogs about it.  Shes on Facebook too and offers great daily advice.
I've been doing better..
Until today.
Today Hazel began the day chipperly declaring that after lunch she wanted a nap.
"Ok", I laughed, "You can have a nap."
Of course when lunch came around she decided she wasn't in fact tired enough for a nap anymore.
"Changed my mind mom, let's go to the library and sign up for the reading program."
So we were off.  
After she's all signed up and tucked in with a few books that she *must* read right there in the library to add to her Summer log, in walks in another military mom with her kid.
The conversation immediately turns to homeschooling.
She is contemplating homeschooling her child for "half a year only" as they are transferring and would like to open up my brain and reap every bit of information available.
Socialization, Standardized testing, Art, Life lessons, Compassion towards others, How do I KNOW my kids are learning and WHO is checking to make sure I'm doing my job.

At this point I have answered these questions so many times the answers just roll out.  I'm confident in our choice to homeschool.  I don't need to be nervous and am happy to help.  You always get that one person though who likes to use you though as their sounding board as to why traditional school is better.
Why they are better.
It never sets well with me but Im adult enough to just let them ramble.
I feel a tug at my arm.
"Mom, I want you to put on a puppet show.."
"Give me a moment please Im speaking right now."  

Socialization, Standardized testing, Art, Life lessons, Compassion towards others, How do I KNOW ...."

"Mommy I want to write my books in my log"
"Just a little bit dear.."

Socialization, Standardized testing....."


And the fit ensued.
In the end Mrs. X got to say all she needed to, Hazel logged her books, and I wanted to climb under the nearest rock as my valiant effort at sharing homeschooling with someone was thwarted by my 6 year old's tantrum.
So as punishment I decided to withhold her movie for the evening. And let her know by yelling it to her in the car.  
Its like the noise just vomited out of me.  I could see the hurt in her eyes, the fear in Lillian's as she had no clue what was going on and then it all came out....


So there you have it.  I should have listened to my child in the first place.  And although I doubt very seriously we were the ambassadors for homeschooling that Mrs. X was looking for, a lesson was indeed learned.
Now let's nap.

Monday, June 3, 2013

The Ever Elusive Element

Here lately I have felt like I am caught in the changing of the tide.  
Trying to manage this wife/motherhood/friend/active participant in life gig is hugely overwhelming at the moment.  Like one minute I have my feet planted and can make a little headway towards the shore and the next wave (sleepless baby, house, teaching, field trips, and in general need for an adult conversation) crash over my head and I'm left spinning head over heels hitting every obstacle cleverly hidden under the surface until I just can't tell which way is up and I'm starting to suffocate.
Then the wave subsides for a minute and I stand up, and can actually smile and make a few steps before the next crashing wave topples me.
The problem is no one else seems to be able to see anything but when I stand up and smile.
When I shamefully confess that I feel like I'm about to lose my mind I just get a sympathetic smile and a "Just know that this will pass," or a "Well you sure LOOK like you have it all under control."  
Well I'm so glad you think so, and yes I KNOW this is a phase and this will change sooner or later just as the tides do, eventually the waves will start washing me towards the shore of sanity instead of away to the depths of darkness.
Problem is I'm not so sure I'm strong enough to make it through this change right now.
Problem is people drown.
Being a military wife, homeschooling mom with a little one under foot, and in general content person has never been more difficult..... or exhausting.
There is so much need around me... good need, hard need, essential need. Everyone requires a piece of time and effort including me and I just don't know how to properly divy it all up.
"Everything cannot be top Priority Allison", my therapist once said.
"Yes but everything is so important."
"Make your lists, balance your lists, make sure you take care of essentials first including yourself and forget the rest."
My four walls, Lists, do it right, put blinders to everything else.
Dear Lord I'm trying.  Just let me make it to shore.

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