I have been reading... well actually I have been reading practically the moment the wonderful librarian slapped my cool Pawtucket Library card into my hot little hand. I love reading. I was the nerdy kid who instead of watching T.V. was reading Nancy Drew Mysteries, The Hardy Boys, and for a brief moment of insanity I read the Babysitter's Club.
Reading has always been an escape for me. I have always been the one with the chores and responsibilities in the house, so a good book is my chocolate. Well a good book AND some chocolate never hurts but I am trying to be good to I will focus. HMMMMmmmm.
LOL OK. In recent years I must confess that reading has been a bit burdensome to me. I have been going to school for about a million years and reading every teaching textbook known to man on the subject along with every how-to book on child rearing, special needs facilitating, living life, etc. For some reason one my son was diagnosed as a Sensory Seeking Child I lost all ability to think for myself and had to validate anything I did with... a book.
After a while that gets old, only reading the how-to's. Long story short I actually checked out a couple of books this summer just for fun. First was Animal Vegetable Miracle which is an awesome read cleverly disguised into a how-to (the recipe's are super yummy), I read all of the Twilight series (and imagined as my hubby came home from the office, cold from the A/C that he WAS in fact my Edward), a couple of Rudolf Steiner's Essays (which are nice but very how-to) and finally Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm still reading it but this book has taken me away to a whole new place. As you might be able to tell from my last post, I get a little depressed from time to time. This book hit home on soo many levels. No I don't want to leave my husband but there are times I am not sure who I am is the person I wanted to be or the person expected of me. Deep right? Scary Deep.
For some reason this book has given me permission to slow down, relax and not stress (as much) about the future. I feel a yearning to keep my voice calm, my thoughts calm, my children calm. Its a working progress and the past 24 hrs have been well, not calm but I am seeing now how to let go of the things I can't control, work on the things I can, and forgive myself for the things I haven't done right. Like I said its deep. The results are that I find myself smiling A LOT more. I feel a peace and a happiness I haven't allowed myself to feel in a while. Now I'm not saying one book did all of that, but Someone out there sure knew I needed the door of compassion in my heart opened a little bit and threw me a lifeline. I'm not sure what you call this person but to me he is simply God. My friend.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Being a Coastie Wife this week....
is hard. We are here in Rhode Island, the weather is a crisp 57 degrees in the mornings and a muggy 84 degrees in the afternoons. And just like the weather, my emotions have been raging back and forth. You see this month we were suppose to be having a baby.
I have never really put this all down in words and in the hopes that this helps me on my road to healing I am going to tell my story. I am not sure how its going to end up but this is so heavy on my heart right now I feel it has to go somewhere. Even if no one reads it.
It was after Thanksgiving that we told my family that we were expecting. We had known for weeks but this time Mike and I wanted to revel in our secret for a bit before alerting our world. Thankfully we never told the kids. Everyone was excited for us, we were excited thrilled even as we began to map out OUR birth plan and had definitely decided on a home birth and picked out a doula and a midwife.
Dec 1st was the day of my first Dr's appointment. It was just a routine, "Here pee in this cup so we can see if you are right." I obliged and noticed a little bit of bright blood when I finished. Not a ton, barely even noticeable, but I had had some spotting a few weeks earlier and was on the lookout. The test was positive and my OB wrote up my referral. I told her what I had seen, and was hoping for words of reassurance that this was all normal. She gets a big fat "F" in that category. I was told that what will happen will happen and either I will carry full term or not, its really out of my hands. Not totally what I wanted to hear but the truth.
On my way home I called my new Dr. to schedule my first appt. It was to be that next Tuesday at 9am. Since I was at least 10 weeks along I was gonna have an ultrasound, have some blood work done so bring some crackers if I felt it necessary, and my husband. I got home and felt really crampy on my left side and went to check and see if there was anymore blood. Just a little pink.
I lay on the couch on my left side like all the websites said and spent the afternoon frantically searching for all the symptoms of a miscarriage hoping to eliminate them. As the cramps worsened I started looking up more info on dealing with miscarriages and it was just too much to bear. All this saddness, all this emptiness, there's no way this could be happening to me. My husband came home early and went and collected Jakob from school. He ordered out. There was no way I was moving.
That evening, I think around 7 my water broke. I had never felt my water break before with my other 2 but I knew in an instant what had happened. I screamed, ran for the bathroom (which unfortunately was the kids') and it was horrible. It really looked as though I had been murdered. I went to try and clean myself up a bit and when I pulled my hand away... Oh GOD! There was my baby!! So tiny and so helpless, lifeless, but definitely my baby. I was really amazed that I could see my child's eyes. It was terrifying. Mike stuck his head in ( I think I was screaming) and I showed him. He wanted to help, wanted me to tell him what he should do next but I couldn't. This was unfathomable. This was not happening.
I came to my senses a bit as I realized the amount of blood and tissue still comming from me and asked him to call the hospital. I wasn't sure if they could do anything but I still needed him to call. He did and we were instructed to wait and see my Dr. in the morning and if they could not see me then come in then. I spent the next hour sitting there in the bathroom while Mike gathered the kids and went to the local Drug Store for pads and such as there wasn't anything in the house. I called a friend to ask her to cover for me at my daughter's preschool co-op the next day as I was to teach. She took care of everything. Even Hazel. I called my mom because I couldn't sit there alone feeling like the life force was literally draining from me.
That night was horrible. I got up the next day and Mike took Jakob to school and dropped Hazel to Angela for Co-op. He called the Dr's office who immediately told him that since I had not yet been seen by them they could not take me and anyways they don't take walk-ins. I'M NOT GETTING MY FRICKIN HAIR DONE PEOPLE! MY CHILD JUST DIED! We went to the hospital and after an entire day of adult diapers, ultrasounds, and waiting they confirmed that I had indeed had a Complete miscarriage. Since my blood flow had not decreased they were worried so I was sent home with some medicine to rectify the issue and a sheet of paper telling me what I might be feeling over the next course of time. It was done. We were no longer having a baby. Get back to life.
I still see my baby's eyes every time I close mine. It's haunting. I don't think that I am anywhere near healed enough. Luckily I found a Share Group in the area while in Florida and although I was only able to go twice, it helped. She told me I should commune with my tragedy, not dwell on it but respect it. That has helped a lot until now. See there are no Share Groups in my area now and I am literally without a friend up here save my husband and my kids. This is not a pity party. I knew this would happen. I knew I would crack. Again. And Again. So after a day of fighting off tears and not wanting to bring the subject up with my husband for fear he might admit he didn't realize the timing, I decided to put it out here. I feel better. I have sobbed through this whole post but I have respected my baby and told the story. It won't be the last time I am at this place but for now I have exhaled.
I have never really put this all down in words and in the hopes that this helps me on my road to healing I am going to tell my story. I am not sure how its going to end up but this is so heavy on my heart right now I feel it has to go somewhere. Even if no one reads it.
It was after Thanksgiving that we told my family that we were expecting. We had known for weeks but this time Mike and I wanted to revel in our secret for a bit before alerting our world. Thankfully we never told the kids. Everyone was excited for us, we were excited thrilled even as we began to map out OUR birth plan and had definitely decided on a home birth and picked out a doula and a midwife.
Dec 1st was the day of my first Dr's appointment. It was just a routine, "Here pee in this cup so we can see if you are right." I obliged and noticed a little bit of bright blood when I finished. Not a ton, barely even noticeable, but I had had some spotting a few weeks earlier and was on the lookout. The test was positive and my OB wrote up my referral. I told her what I had seen, and was hoping for words of reassurance that this was all normal. She gets a big fat "F" in that category. I was told that what will happen will happen and either I will carry full term or not, its really out of my hands. Not totally what I wanted to hear but the truth.
On my way home I called my new Dr. to schedule my first appt. It was to be that next Tuesday at 9am. Since I was at least 10 weeks along I was gonna have an ultrasound, have some blood work done so bring some crackers if I felt it necessary, and my husband. I got home and felt really crampy on my left side and went to check and see if there was anymore blood. Just a little pink.
I lay on the couch on my left side like all the websites said and spent the afternoon frantically searching for all the symptoms of a miscarriage hoping to eliminate them. As the cramps worsened I started looking up more info on dealing with miscarriages and it was just too much to bear. All this saddness, all this emptiness, there's no way this could be happening to me. My husband came home early and went and collected Jakob from school. He ordered out. There was no way I was moving.
That evening, I think around 7 my water broke. I had never felt my water break before with my other 2 but I knew in an instant what had happened. I screamed, ran for the bathroom (which unfortunately was the kids') and it was horrible. It really looked as though I had been murdered. I went to try and clean myself up a bit and when I pulled my hand away... Oh GOD! There was my baby!! So tiny and so helpless, lifeless, but definitely my baby. I was really amazed that I could see my child's eyes. It was terrifying. Mike stuck his head in ( I think I was screaming) and I showed him. He wanted to help, wanted me to tell him what he should do next but I couldn't. This was unfathomable. This was not happening.
I came to my senses a bit as I realized the amount of blood and tissue still comming from me and asked him to call the hospital. I wasn't sure if they could do anything but I still needed him to call. He did and we were instructed to wait and see my Dr. in the morning and if they could not see me then come in then. I spent the next hour sitting there in the bathroom while Mike gathered the kids and went to the local Drug Store for pads and such as there wasn't anything in the house. I called a friend to ask her to cover for me at my daughter's preschool co-op the next day as I was to teach. She took care of everything. Even Hazel. I called my mom because I couldn't sit there alone feeling like the life force was literally draining from me.
That night was horrible. I got up the next day and Mike took Jakob to school and dropped Hazel to Angela for Co-op. He called the Dr's office who immediately told him that since I had not yet been seen by them they could not take me and anyways they don't take walk-ins. I'M NOT GETTING MY FRICKIN HAIR DONE PEOPLE! MY CHILD JUST DIED! We went to the hospital and after an entire day of adult diapers, ultrasounds, and waiting they confirmed that I had indeed had a Complete miscarriage. Since my blood flow had not decreased they were worried so I was sent home with some medicine to rectify the issue and a sheet of paper telling me what I might be feeling over the next course of time. It was done. We were no longer having a baby. Get back to life.
I still see my baby's eyes every time I close mine. It's haunting. I don't think that I am anywhere near healed enough. Luckily I found a Share Group in the area while in Florida and although I was only able to go twice, it helped. She told me I should commune with my tragedy, not dwell on it but respect it. That has helped a lot until now. See there are no Share Groups in my area now and I am literally without a friend up here save my husband and my kids. This is not a pity party. I knew this would happen. I knew I would crack. Again. And Again. So after a day of fighting off tears and not wanting to bring the subject up with my husband for fear he might admit he didn't realize the timing, I decided to put it out here. I feel better. I have sobbed through this whole post but I have respected my baby and told the story. It won't be the last time I am at this place but for now I have exhaled.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Being a Coastie Wife- The move
The bags are packed, the house is empty (dirty but empty... I will clean after this post) and I am all by my lonesome. Mike took the kids and is heading up to my parent's house already and I have stayed behind to close up the house. I can't believe how sad I feel right now, not that I am leaving this place and all of the wonderful people I have met but that I am alone. I dream about moments like this, beg for moments like this and now all I want is to see my family....
Separation can be the hardest part of being a Coastie Wife especially if you have a lot of reflection that is needing to be done and then you are forced to do it all at once. It can be depressing, it can make you cry, but most of all it can make you stronger. I look around the house right now and I don't see the mountain of work ahead of me I just see what's keeping me from my family and so the thought of snuggling up with my kiddos and my man will push me on to wrap this up and run to them (well...I will drive most of the way but I am sure I will run to them when I pull up in the driveway). Being a Coastie Wife sometimes is all about using what you have to get to where you want and with that I'm gonna clean!!
Separation can be the hardest part of being a Coastie Wife especially if you have a lot of reflection that is needing to be done and then you are forced to do it all at once. It can be depressing, it can make you cry, but most of all it can make you stronger. I look around the house right now and I don't see the mountain of work ahead of me I just see what's keeping me from my family and so the thought of snuggling up with my kiddos and my man will push me on to wrap this up and run to them (well...I will drive most of the way but I am sure I will run to them when I pull up in the driveway). Being a Coastie Wife sometimes is all about using what you have to get to where you want and with that I'm gonna clean!!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Being a Coastie Wife- This Week
Man oh man this week was tough! We started out on Sunday with Hazel acting up so much we had to leave church and ended the week with Jakob getting pink eye, and a whole lotta mess in between. Towards the end of the week we were able to attend the end of the year party for Hazel's Coop, which was a blast. Hazel also had her pre-surgery clearance appointment at the doctor. she is terrified of doctors and screams and flails every time we go. This week out of pure desperation I went over and over again what the doctor was going to do and used her obliging brother as a demo. Just when I thought it was never going to work she finally let me "play doctor" on her and because of that we were able to get through the appointment with minimal fight (I had forgotten that she needed her temperature taken and since that had not been part of the routine before she didn't think it needed to happen then.
Mike has been gone this whole time on their last tour and it has been less than ideal to be in charge of this move by myself. The stress factor was through the roof! Thursday evening though I was able to talk to him and really touch base and collaborate all the lists I had and the lists he had and truly get on the same page. I really don't know what about this conversation just made the knot in my back release. There were more last minute issues that we were both filling each other in on, but it all seemed doable because we were working together. Not even working side by side but just talking together about it. Sometimes when the guys are underway it can seem like you have the whole world on your shoulders and there is no way anyone else can understand what you are going through or how over the edge it makes you feel. But that phone call, late at night when the kids are asleep and you can really talk just makes all the difference in the world. I know it has for me.
Mike has been gone this whole time on their last tour and it has been less than ideal to be in charge of this move by myself. The stress factor was through the roof! Thursday evening though I was able to talk to him and really touch base and collaborate all the lists I had and the lists he had and truly get on the same page. I really don't know what about this conversation just made the knot in my back release. There were more last minute issues that we were both filling each other in on, but it all seemed doable because we were working together. Not even working side by side but just talking together about it. Sometimes when the guys are underway it can seem like you have the whole world on your shoulders and there is no way anyone else can understand what you are going through or how over the edge it makes you feel. But that phone call, late at night when the kids are asleep and you can really talk just makes all the difference in the world. I know it has for me.
Monday, April 19, 2010
E- week
We have been working hard on getting rid of the excess in our house and finalizing plans for the great trek to the north country so we have been a bit hit or miss with the structure. Here is the last week we had that was "planned".
Blowing Bubbles
Workbook pages, she loves doing her "homework". Too silly
glued them onto a capitol and lowercase E (we did this together since I apparently drew them too large)
then to make them stand out she painted them with watercolors
The finished masterpiece
Because I am an over achiever and saved too many eggshells we just painted the rest with watercolors
Daddy joined in on the fun. (Isn't he cute!)
We read lots of books but they have all since gone back to the library. I believe most of them came from the Totally Tots website with a few Easter books thrown in for good measure.
Picking Flowers
Blowing Bubbles
Workbook pages, she loves doing her "homework". Too silly
For the letter Ee we crushed egg shells (lots o fun)
glued them onto a capitol and lowercase E (we did this together since I apparently drew them too large)
then to make them stand out she painted them with watercolors
The finished masterpiece
Because I am an over achiever and saved too many eggshells we just painted the rest with watercolors
Daddy joined in on the fun. (Isn't he cute!)
We read lots of books but they have all since gone back to the library. I believe most of them came from the Totally Tots website with a few Easter books thrown in for good measure.Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Hazel's D week
This week I started working with Hazel a bit more with the Calendar. Since we are moving and I haven't quite worked out how I want to do "Calendar Time I figured we would just start with this...
It's a Calendar that I picked up from Michael's for 25 cents! Each Month the child can create and color a new picture. We just started with a simple naming the month, the day, and finding the number on the calendar of the date. I used some stickers to work on patterns and we made a pattern on the week. Apparently this worked because she decided to make another pattern at the top of the calendar
Then we moved onto "Dd" is for Dinosaur. We read "Ten Terrible Dinosaurs" and "Dinosaur Roar". Following the theme we made our craft from Totally Tots. This week was a "D" dinosaur craft, which Hazel apparently thought that her Dino needed to always look straight up.
Then she stamped her Dd's with Dinosaur feet! Had I known how exciting it was to play with her brother's Dinosaurs I would have brought them out months ago!
The Stamps didn't come out too clear, but she still had fun.
Here is her signature after it was all done.... Pretty good huh?
I thought I would capitalize on the writing by showing her how to write her D's and well yeah not so well received. I pretty much held her hand the entire time. I 'm in no way worried since my main focus at this point is to convey the letter sounds and intro the lowercase letters.
We did some more cutting. I had another sheet that I had made of slanted lines but somehow didn't get a picture of it for variety.
Since I have more foam stickers than anyone should be allowed, I used them to make these tracer exercises. Hazel seemed to like them but wasn't a fan of continuing until the end of the page, she kept wanting to stop and start. Perhaps this will come with time.
And there you have it, the letter "Dd" in all it's glory. Next we are on to "Ee" and can I just say how thrilled I am that our E week comes right before Easter?!?!?! Yeah I know total Dork.
It's a Calendar that I picked up from Michael's for 25 cents! Each Month the child can create and color a new picture. We just started with a simple naming the month, the day, and finding the number on the calendar of the date. I used some stickers to work on patterns and we made a pattern on the week. Apparently this worked because she decided to make another pattern at the top of the calendar
Then we moved onto "Dd" is for Dinosaur. We read "Ten Terrible Dinosaurs" and "Dinosaur Roar". Following the theme we made our craft from Totally Tots. This week was a "D" dinosaur craft, which Hazel apparently thought that her Dino needed to always look straight up.
Then she stamped her Dd's with Dinosaur feet! Had I known how exciting it was to play with her brother's Dinosaurs I would have brought them out months ago!
The Stamps didn't come out too clear, but she still had fun.
Here is her signature after it was all done.... Pretty good huh?
I thought I would capitalize on the writing by showing her how to write her D's and well yeah not so well received. I pretty much held her hand the entire time. I 'm in no way worried since my main focus at this point is to convey the letter sounds and intro the lowercase letters.
We did some more cutting. I had another sheet that I had made of slanted lines but somehow didn't get a picture of it for variety.
Since I have more foam stickers than anyone should be allowed, I used them to make these tracer exercises. Hazel seemed to like them but wasn't a fan of continuing until the end of the page, she kept wanting to stop and start. Perhaps this will come with time.
And there you have it, the letter "Dd" in all it's glory. Next we are on to "Ee" and can I just say how thrilled I am that our E week comes right before Easter?!?!?! Yeah I know total Dork.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Definition of insanity...
Is 35 3rd graders in one room for 6 hours. Yeah that was me today! I was observing for my practicum hours for my education degree and boy was that an eye opener! I was fortunate enough to be in the presence of a really capable teacher and she handled things with a super amount of grace.
I of course had all those old feelings of being drawn in to the classroom to help these kids and found myself offering to come back. These are reasons it is hard for me to commit to homeschooling. I love kids. My kids your kids, any kids. I'm torn, it's a difficult decision, but ultimately I have been entrusted with very specific children. And I think that right now the most important thing I can do is teach and nurture THEM, so that when they are grown I can tackle the rest!
Just some wandering thoughts.....
I of course had all those old feelings of being drawn in to the classroom to help these kids and found myself offering to come back. These are reasons it is hard for me to commit to homeschooling. I love kids. My kids your kids, any kids. I'm torn, it's a difficult decision, but ultimately I have been entrusted with very specific children. And I think that right now the most important thing I can do is teach and nurture THEM, so that when they are grown I can tackle the rest!
Just some wandering thoughts.....
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