The Ever Elusive Element

Balance

Here lately I have felt like I am caught in the changing of the tide.  

Trying to manage this wife/motherhood/friend/active participant in life gig is hugely overwhelming at the moment.  Like one minute I have my feet planted and can make a little headway towards the shore and the next wave (sleepless baby, house, teaching, field trips, and in general need for an adult conversation) crash over my head and I'm left spinning head over heels hitting every obstacle cleverly hidden under the surface until I just can't tell which way is up and I'm starting to suffocate.

Then the wave subsides for a minute and I stand up, and can actually smile and make a few steps before the next crashing wave topples me.

The problem is no one else seems to be able to see anything but when I stand up and smile.

When I shamefully confess that I feel like I'm about to lose my mind I just get a sympathetic smile and a "Just know that this will pass," or a "Well you sure LOOK like you have it all under control."  

Well I'm so glad you think so, and yes I KNOW this is a phase and this will change sooner or later just as the tides do, eventually the waves will start washing me towards the shore of sanity instead of away to the depths of darkness.

Problem is I'm not so sure I'm strong enough to make it through this change right now.

Problem is people drown.

Being a military wife, homeschooling mom with a little one under foot, and in general content person has never been more difficult..... or exhausting.

There is so much need around me... good need, hard need, essential need. Everyone requires a piece of time and effort including me and I just don't know how to properly divy it all up.

"Everything cannot be top Priority Allison", my therapist once said.

"Yes but everything is so important."

"Make your lists, balance your lists, make sure you take care of essentials first including yourself and forget the rest."

My four walls, Lists, do it right, put blinders to everything else.

Dear Lord I'm trying.  Just let me make it to shore.