Being a Coastie Wife this week....

is hard. We are here in Rhode Island, the weather is a crisp 57 degrees in the mornings and a muggy 84 degrees in the afternoons. And just like the weather, my emotions have been raging back and forth. You see this month we were suppose to be having a baby.

I have never really put this all down in words and in the hopes that this helps me on my road to healing I am going to tell my story. I am not sure how its going to end up but this is so heavy on my heart right now I feel it has to go somewhere. Even if no one reads it.

It was after Thanksgiving that we told my family that we were expecting. We had known for weeks but this time Mike and I wanted to revel in our secret for a bit before alerting our world. Thankfully we never told the kids. Everyone was excited for us, we were excited thrilled even as we began to map out OUR birth plan and had definitely decided on a home birth and picked out a doula and a midwife.

Dec 1st was the day of my first Dr's appointment. It was just a routine, "Here pee in this cup so we can see if you are right." I obliged and noticed a little bit of bright blood when I finished. Not a ton, barely even noticeable, but I had had some spotting a few weeks earlier and was on the lookout. The test was positive and my OB wrote up my referral. I told her what I had seen, and was hoping for words of reassurance that this was all normal. She gets a big fat "F" in that category. I was told that what will happen will happen and either I will carry full term or not, its really out of my hands. Not totally what I wanted to hear but the truth.

On my way home I called my new Dr. to schedule my first appt. It was to be that next Tuesday at 9am. Since I was at least 10 weeks along I was gonna have an ultrasound, have some blood work done so bring some crackers if I felt it necessary, and my husband. I got home and felt really crampy on my left side and went to check and see if there was anymore blood. Just a little pink.

I lay on the couch on my left side like all the websites said and spent the afternoon frantically searching for all the symptoms of a miscarriage hoping to eliminate them. As the cramps worsened I started looking up more info on dealing with miscarriages and it was just too much to bear. All this saddness, all this emptiness, there's no way this could be happening to me. My husband came home early and went and collected Jakob from school. He ordered out. There was no way I was moving.

That evening, I think around 7 my water broke. I had never felt my water break before with my other 2 but I knew in an instant what had happened. I screamed, ran for the bathroom (which unfortunately was the kids') and it was horrible. It really looked as though I had been murdered. I went to try and clean myself up a bit and when I pulled my hand away... Oh GOD! There was my baby!! So tiny and so helpless, lifeless, but definitely my baby. I was really amazed that I could see my child's eyes. It was terrifying. Mike stuck his head in ( I think I was screaming) and I showed him. He wanted to help, wanted me to tell him what he should do next but I couldn't. This was unfathomable. This was not happening.

I came to my senses a bit as I realized the amount of blood and tissue still comming from me and asked him to call the hospital. I wasn't sure if they could do anything but I still needed him to call. He did and we were instructed to wait and see my Dr. in the morning and if they could not see me then come in then. I spent the next hour sitting there in the bathroom while Mike gathered the kids and went to the local Drug Store for pads and such as there wasn't anything in the house. I called a friend to ask her to cover for me at my daughter's preschool co-op the next day as I was to teach. She took care of everything. Even Hazel. I called my mom because I couldn't sit there alone feeling like the life force was literally draining from me.

That night was horrible. I got up the next day and Mike took Jakob to school and dropped Hazel to Angela for Co-op. He called the Dr's office who immediately told him that since I had not yet been seen by them they could not take me and anyways they don't take walk-ins. I'M NOT GETTING MY FRICKIN HAIR DONE PEOPLE! MY CHILD JUST DIED! We went to the hospital and after an entire day of adult diapers, ultrasounds, and waiting they confirmed that I had indeed had a Complete miscarriage. Since my blood flow had not decreased they were worried so I was sent home with some medicine to rectify the issue and a sheet of paper telling me what I might be feeling over the next course of time. It was done. We were no longer having a baby. Get back to life.

I still see my baby's eyes every time I close mine. It's haunting. I don't think that I am anywhere near healed enough. Luckily I found a Share Group in the area while in Florida and although I was only able to go twice, it helped. She told me I should commune with my tragedy, not dwell on it but respect it. That has helped a lot until now. See there are no Share Groups in my area now and I am literally without a friend up here save my husband and my kids. This is not a pity party. I knew this would happen. I knew I would crack. Again. And Again. So after a day of fighting off tears and not wanting to bring the subject up with my husband for fear he might admit he didn't realize the timing, I decided to put it out here. I feel better. I have sobbed through this whole post but I have respected my baby and told the story. It won't be the last time I am at this place but for now I have exhaled.